Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Cooking Prime Rib - Part One

Press the play button to hear the music and sing along!

Well, Hello all you Happy People, from me... "The Soused Chef!"

(Already "half-soused," and hoisting his 32-ounce plastic "Big Gulp" cup filled to the brim with fine Wine, toasts his Gentle Readers.)

I can actually see you through your computer screens! Scary, huh? Just be careful where you get dressed... I mean... well... if videos start mysteriously popping up on "YouTube..." I don't know a thing about it!!!

Anyhoo, With "Old Man Winter" finally here, some of you will be facing (or have already faced,) the inevitable "Old Man Winter Snow."
It also means, that those pesky "Holiday Seasons" are fast approaching!

(Thinking back to bitter remembrances of past "Holidays From Hell," quickly sudders... and takes a really stiff drink of fine Wine out of "Big Gulp.")

So... why not treat Yourself, and your Guests to something really special this year?
Tell them to stay the hell away!!!

(Chugs the last of his fine Wine... thinking, "Man, I know a lot of people!)

But... if you absolutely insist on feeding those ingrates that you got stuck with, and now have to call "family," out of some warped sense of duty, one of my favorites, that I love to make and eat, is "Prime Rib of Beef Au Jus!" Now, for those of you who have never attempted this delicious selection, let me assure you... THIS IS AS SIMPLE AS SHOVELING SNOW!!!

Well... maybe not all that simple... but simple enough!

Prime Rib refers to the "King" of Beef Cuts. As Michael Flatley is to "The Lord Of The Dance," this is "The Lord Of The Roasts." (Excepting of course, your Roast can't "Irish Step Dance!")

Yes, my friends... THIS is the "Famous Standing Prime Rib Roast!"

"Standing," because in order to cook it properly, you have to be standing!

(He frantically begins searching for a bottle of Vodka that his best friend "The Fox," has cleverly hidden, in order to "mess with his head." Finally locating it in the "relatively unused" dishwasher alongside a half-empty bottle of Vermouth, he discovers an accompanying note reading, "BwahaHA! T.F.," and a crudely drawn picture of a hand holding up a middle finger.)

Sorry folks. He's been pulling that crap, ever since he yelled at me for drinking all the vodka, that he keeps buying for when he visits.

(Collecting his thoughts.)

Ahem. You simply position the Roast on its own Rib Bones in the Roasting Pan. Isn't that cool? THIS damn thing comes with its own Rack! Sure saves a trip across town to Wal-Mart! (Especially if you live somewhere where there's a lot of snow.) That alone, should be worth the price of admission!

Estimate Two People served for every Rib... or ONE "Fat Uncle Louie," served per entire Roast!

Now, just because you are ordering a Prime Rib Roast, doesn't mean that you're actually getting USDA Prime. This is important! Most "Prime Ribs" we get from market are actually USDA "Choice Quality." That's one step up from the crappy grade they serve in Maximum Security Prisons! So as consumers, we wind up getting screwed over as always!

(Pours a nicely chilled Martini into a crystal glass with a twist of lemon peel.)

You may, in fact ultimately wind up with something slightly tenderer than "Beef Jerky," effectively pissing off your entire Family, and quite possibly causing your "Better Half" to seriously start considering divorce proceedings...

(Thinking back to his past three divorces, lets out a deep sigh, and downs a BIG sip of his Martini, getting the lemon peel lodged between his teeth.)

If you want "USDA Prime Rib," which has more fat marbling throughout the meat, and which can easily cost 50% more per pound, you will likely need to "special order" it from your Butcher, or better yet... Online!

Now, I'm not a paid Spokesperson for OMAHA STEAKS, but it seems every time I mention OMAHA STEAKS, a nice Package of Frozen Meat "mysteriously appears" on my doorstep within three days (even if it's snowing)! I have ordered from OMAHA STEAKS before, and have never been disppointed. Yeah... at $139 a pop, (plus shipping) it's pricey. So what? Aren't you worth it???I say, screw the "Kids' College Fund," and live for LIFE, you betcha!

(Gives a little "Sarah Palin condescending wink," and toasts Gentle Readers with his Martini. Finishing it, he pours another.)


Join us for Part 2, wherein "The Soused Chef," finally gets around to actually making the Prime Rib Roast, and also gives his top-secret recipe for Au Jus!


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