In the last segment, we watched as "The Soused Chef" scored a date with a neighbor lady's breasts. He also drank a lot and babbled on about making Boiled Maine Lobster, with scallops wrapped in bacon. In other words... you really didn't miss much, except one man's sad descent into self-pity and loathing. We continue our post already in progress...
(Rolling previously-recorded videotape of S.C. and "The Fox" leaving apartment, driving to "Pub_ics," and entering supermarket. Studo audience breathlessly watch on large screen, while in actuality, S.C. and The Fox are safely relaxing on a darkened set, drinking and smoking, waiting for their next cue.)
(On video, S.C. does his "standup," while The Fox can be seen in b.g. rapidly pushing a shopping cart, then jumping up and riding the back.)
Okay folks. Here we are at our favorite supermarket. Today, we have to pick up the following items:
1 pkg. of sliced bacon (Applewood Smoked Bacon is the best, but you can always get away with using the cheap stuff, too)
1 bottle of garlic salt or powder
1 lb. salted sweet cream butter
lemon juice in those cute little plastic "squeezit" lemons
two live lobsters
lots of booze
Here we are in the supermarket. Let's pick up all the items we need. Hmm... no sign of Buffy on the register. I know she's working today, because the last time I was here, I had to visit the men's room, and in the hallway I spotted the timeclock with the posted schedules. I took a picture with my cellphone of Buffy's hours...
Oh! I see her in aisle five! She's restocking the vegetable oil. Let's play a joke on her! (Sneaks up behind Buffy and goes "Boo." Startled, Buffy drops an entire case of vegetable oil on the floor. Smashed glass bottles and oil is everywhere. Buffy collapses in a shaking heap.)
Oopsie! (S.C. quickly finishes shopping, and makes a hurried exit out of the store.) Okay, let's go back and start cooking!
(The video ends and S.C. is standing by the island counter in his kitchen with all of his ingredients. The lobsters are trying to escape.)
We're gonna make the scallops wrapped in bacon first. Rinse the scallops and wrap them in the bacon strips. Use a toothpick to hold the little jewels together. Place them in a shallow baking pan. Sprinkle with garlic salt, melted butter or margarine and lemon juice. Broil 6 to 8 minutes or until scallops start to turn golden. Remove from oven and serve with extra melted butter or margarine on the side for dipping.
Now lets cook dem old lobsters. Don't be a-scared of em...
This never happens.
There are two different schools of thought about cooking lobsters. The good folks at PETA would have you do this:"Step 1. With the lobster sitting where the tail curls towards the table, flatten it out and in one hand grasp the tail where it joins the body. In the other hand, take the knife's point and aim for the place an inch or an inch and a half from between the eyes towards the tail. The blade of the knife should be facing away from your hand that is holding the tail."
"Step 2. Press the point of the knife into the head at that point until the point of the knife goes all the way through the lobster's head to the cutting board, then bring the blade down between the eyes to finish the cut of the head. This kills the lobster as quickly and painlessly as possible."
Then on the other hand... you can do always do this!
(S.C. casually drops both lobsters into the boiling salted water. They scream. The Fox runs away in terror. S.C. takes a drink along with the rest of the studio audience, and then all stand with their heads bowed for a moment of silence.)
Okay! Simmer them for about 10 minutes, or until the lobsters are bright red. Serve with melted butter on the side. Make sure you have some lobster cracking tools handy, and...
(The doorbell rings.) Hmm... I wonder who that could be?
(Audience yells in unison. "Oh NO! It's BUFFY!!!)
(Opens the door) Why it's Buffy! What a surprise! And what can we do for you?
(Buffy tosses an entire pail full of vegetable oil on S.C.!!! He is drenched! Sharr suddenly appears.)
SHARR: Hey, pal! If this is your idea of kinky fun... the date's off! (She turns on her heel and walks out.)
(From off-camera we can hear Buffy laughing hysterically. S.C. looks into the camera in shock, as the scene fades out.)
END
Vootie.
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