Pork Chops Under Pressure

Well, hello all you hippy peeples, from me... "The Soused Chef!" (Already "half-soused," and hoisting his 32-ounce plastic "Big Gulp" cup filled to the brim with Frangelica® "Fruity Red Sangria" out of a box, toasts his gentle readers.)

I hope your New Years Eve was a very happy one, and you enjoyed the Corned Beef, Potato and Cabbage Salad that I told you how to make last time. Mine was... okay... I... (starts sobbing with the bitter memory of a really lousy New Years Eve).

My next door neighbor... a nice elderly lady named "Starr"

When Starr found out I had mistakenly received a delivery of "The Grey Poupon® Gift Pack," which her parents had sent her, and had accepted thinking it was meant for me, she was furious! She grabbed a jar of "Grey Poupon® Savory Honey," and poured the entire contents over my head!

"Poupon YOU!!!" she yelled, as she turned on her high heel and headed out the door! As a parting comment, she turned and said, "No sex for YOU... you... you... copper-colored CONDIMENT COPPER!!!" Then she was gone with a slamming of my front door, leaving me amazed how she managed that tongue-twister perfectly... first try!

(Cries to himself for a few minutes... runs to the box of Sangria, and chugs it directly from the spigot. Slowly regains his composure.)

Vodka. I need VODKA!!! (Runs to the liquor cabinet.) Mama mia! There's no vodka!!! Is this the end of Little Rico??? (He frantically begins searching for a bottle of vodka, that he suspects his best friend "The Fox," has cleverly hidden AGAIN, in order to continually "mess with his head." Finally locating it in the "relatively unused" washing machine, he discovers an accompanying note reading, "You never use this damn machine anyway," and a crudely drawn picture of a hand holding up a middle finger.)

(Victoriously he takes a big swig out of the bottle, with a loud cry of "Dayyy-O!")

Okay. Back to the friggin show. This is a new lousy year and another lousy friggin show, so let's get on with it. (Staggers out of camera range. The floor director pushes him back in front of camera 1.)

(Sees the red light is on and smiles) Today, my gentle readers... we're going to make a personal favorite of mine... Pork Chops! Except, we're going to be doing them in a Pressure Cooker! I find that my recipe delivers a very tender and flavorful chop, that will have your guests screaming, "Give us more o' dem damn CHOPS," while you murmer under your breath, "I'LL give y'all a damn chop!"

The damn chops.

Yum yum! Don't these babies look good! You can serve them with anything you'd like, but I like to serve them with buttered egg noodles, apple sauce and a hearty mug of ice-cold beer! Really nice comfort food for those who need comforting.

Like me.

If you've never used a pressure cooker before, do NOT be afraid! Pressure cookers have come a long way from Grandma's day, when she would freak out the entire family by simply canning tomatoes!

This scene never happens today.

This is a nice new pressure cooker. They have a lot of safety devices on them that will prevent your food... and yourself, from making a hole in the ceiling. Isn't it darling? It's from Stellar Cookers, and it's a really fine cooker. If something ever goes wrong (which it won't), you have the company's permission to yell, "STELL-AR!!!"

The Stellar PC01.

Sorry. Just a little joke. I couldn't resist. (Has a gulp of vodka.)
Here's what we need to pick at our favorite supermarket:

Pkg. of Pork Chops
Orange Juice
Dark Brown Sugar
Pkg. of Egg Noodles
Jar of Apple Sauce

Drive down to the market, and pick up what you need. This is my favorite supermarket, because I get a kick out of reading the sign at night...

Heh heh.

Go to the friendly, smiling teenaged gal, with a name badge reading "Buffy," at the front register, and pay for all this. While scanning your purchase, Buffy will invariably ask you, "Did you find everything okay?" If you want to be a real smartass, you can answer, "Well, Buffy... I can't figure out for the life of me, why you have the cans of motor oil in the jelly aisle," leaving Buffy with a very confused look on her face, while you attempt to snap her picture with your cellphone, and giving yourself a cheap chuckle as you walk out.

The Buffster.

Okay. We're back in the kitchen. Why not put on a music video to play while we're cooking?

Put a tiny bit of oil (vegetable... NOT 10-W30) in the pressure cooker, with the cover OFF!!! Brown the pork chops evenly on both sides. Remember, we don't want to completely cook our chops here... just lightly sear them a bit. Take those suckers out of the pressure cooker, and dust some dark brown sugar on both sides. Pour about a cup of orange juice into the cooker.
Place the pork chops back in, put the cover and pressure weight on (read the instructions on the cooker) heat the burner to high, until that weight starts dancing around like crazy. Lower the burner to medium, until that baby jiggles just a few times per minute. Cook for about 12-15 minutes depending on the thickness of the chops. Follow your cooker directions on how to cool the damn thing down. When all pressure has been released, open the cover and gaze at your new creation. You should have fork-tender, fallin' off the bone, pork chops! Use a little of the liquid in the cooker as a nice, sweet sauce.

Serve with buttered egg noodles, apple sauce and a hearty mug of ice-cold beer.

Enjoy!

Your friend in cooking,
The Soused Chef



Hmm... there's someone knocking at my door! Why, it's little Buffy... my favorite supermarket cashier, and she's holding a big cream pie from the Bakery Section!!! How nice! Is that for... SPLAT!!!