ANNOUNCER: Do you have your drinks ready?
(All-male audience yells "Yeahhh!!!)
ANNOUNCER: Because... here he IS! It's "S.C." himself! It's time for "The Soused Chef!"
(All-male audience stands and applauds, going "Hoot hoot hoot!")
(S.C. staggers out on stage.) Well, hello all you hippy pooples, from me... "The Soused Chef!" (Already "half-soused," and hoisting his 32-ounce plastic "Big Gulp" cup filled to the brim with Gallo® Port out of a giant bottle, toasts his gentle audience.)
(All-male audience toasts back going, "Hoot hoot hoot!")
I hope you've had a happy life so far. As for me... (starts sobbing with the bitter memory of a really lousy life so far. He finishes the wine with a big gulp.)
(Audience goes, "Awwwwww.")
Vodka. I need VODKA!!! (Runs to the liquor cabinet.) Damn!!! It's empty! Who could have taken it??? (Audience yells "THE FOX!")
(He frantically begins searching for a bottle of vodka, that his best friend "The Fox," has cleverly hidden AGAIN, in order to continually "mess with his head." Finally locating it between his mattress and springboard, he discovers an accompanying note...)
Ha HA!!! The wench is MINE now!!! (He takes a big hit off the bottle as the audience cheers.)
Well folks, luckily "The Fox" is with us today...
(Audience claps loudly.)
(We can hear "The Fox" sleeping on the couch, snoring.)
Y'know... a great man once asked, "What doth greater gift can a man doth giveth his woman than a friggin' home-cooked doth meal?
(Someone from All-Male Audience shouts, "Cheaper than an engagement ring, S.C!" Audience laughs.)
(S.C smiles, and gives audience member a thumbs-up.) Why not make that special gal in your life something special, and make a favorite of mine... Boiled Maine Lobsters, along with Scallops wrapped in bacon for an appetizer? That combination of shellfish aphrodisiacs alone, will make any pretty lady who constantly says "No," suddenly scream, "Take me, big boy!"
(Audience goes, "Oooooooo," nodding to each other.)
But, I HAVE to tell you... I DID meet Sharr! Sharr is an elderly lady that just moved in across the hall, taking Starr's old apartment when Starr moved out quite suddenly in the middle of the night...
(Sharr's picture comes up on the big screen overhead monitor. Audience goes, "Ooooooooo," obviously admiring her breast-basting technique. Burly guy in back row exclaims, "I'm in love!")
(Begins flashback sequence with little wavy lines, and other special effects.)
(S.C. Voiceover, with black and white video re-creation) One day, I was watching my favorite show on SPIKE TV, and I started smelling something yummy. Being the inquisitive self that I am, I ran across the hall to Sharr's door and knocked on it.
She answered."Yes? Can I help you?"
"I couldn't help but notice the smell coming from this rather large apartment," I cleverly answered... looking down upon her shapely form. "Breasts?"
"Listen, mister. My breasts don't smell if you're implying..."
"Oh no! I meant you're making turkey breasts! You see, I'm a celebrity chef and have my own show on cable. There are mammary... many cameras stationed in my well-rounded apartment at all times, in case I become inspired to actually nipple... nibble something at 3 am. My best friend "The Fox" crashes there all the time on a huge sofa, because being the titless whack that he is, he doesn't remember where he actually lives! I even have a devoted all-male audience that hangs out on every word I say. But they're very firm, self-supporting and bring their own jugs."
"You're on TV?"
"Yesserree Boobies!"
"What channel?"
"Um... I'm actually on the local public access channel. In between "Polka Dancing With Stanley & DeeDee," and "Karaoke Idol With Carol & Her Touch Of Crap Singers."
"Oh. I don't think I've ever seen it."
"Well... I can see YOU cook, and I cook, so can I interest you in a nice dinner at my place? Say... 43TripleD, I mean eightish?"
"Yeah okay. That would be swell. And your name is?"
"My friends call me S.C."
"What does the rest of the world call you? Hey! Just kidding! Okay, I'll be there! I'm Sharr."
Then Sharr shut the shuttered door to her solitary scene of solice.
(End flashback sequence. Audience applauds loudly. Some guy in the front row yells, "Way to go, S.C!")
Okay! We have a date, and we're gonna be cooking up the damn lobsters! Guess where we're headed off to next?
(Audience yells in unison, "To our favorite supermarket to see Buffy!" S.C. takes a drink.)
And what do we have to do now?
(Audience yells in unison, "Wake up The Fox!" S.C. takes a drink.)
And why is that?
(Audience yells in unison, "Because you got a DUI, and don't have a license any more!")
(S.C. takes a drink and shakes his head in amazement.) Wow! Sharp crowd!
END PART ONE
Join us soon for Part Two, wherein "The Soused Chef" finally gets around to actually cooking the damn lobsters!
Vootie.
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